CURMUDGEONS GALORE

            While riffling through my book shelves recently, I ran across a 1992 paperback that caught my eye. The book, titled The Portable Curmudgeon, contained over 1,000 “outrageously irreverent quotations . . . from an illustrious list of world-class grouches”, compiled and edited by Jon Winokur.

             The subject of my college senior thesis was Harold Ickes, who was often tagged as a curmudgeon, so I’ve long been interested in the breed. Winokur’s book contained a healthy dose of examples, which I’ve now attempted to whittle way down to offer some idea of what can fall under the curmudgeon rubric.

             The book’s introduction states that “Dictionaries define curmudgeon as a churlish, irascible fellow; a cantankerous old codger.” But, the editor insists, “a curmudgeon’s reputation for malevolence is undeserved. They’re neither warped nor evil at heart. They don’t hate mankind, just mankind’s excesses.”

             Winokur goes on to note that “Their weapons are irony, satire, sarcasms, ridicule. Their targets are pretense, pomposity, conformity, incompetence . . . . They not only refuse to applaud mediocrity, they howl it down with morose glee.” And he concludes that “there’s no shame in chronic alienation . . . curmudgeonry is a perfectly valid response to an increasingly exasperating world.”

             That’s enough generalization – let’s examine some special examples.

             Why not start with Winston Churchill, who knew a good putdown (“He is a sheep in sheep’s clothing”) for most situations. And how about this, directed at his main adversary: “Mr. Atlee is a very modest man. But then he has much to be modest about.” But my favorite Churchill quip is heard in this colloquy:

 “LADY ASTOR: If you were my husband, Winston, I’d put poison in your tea.

  WINSTON CHURCHILL: If I were your husband, Nancy, I’d drink it.”

            George Bernard Shaw could compete with the best, as in “The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.” But he was sometimes himself a target of a fellow curmudgeon, such as Oscar Wilde: “Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world and none of his friends like him.” By the way, my favorite Wilde line is, “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”

             I’m very partial to the dour persona of American playwright, George S. Kaufman. Here he is, reviewing the plays of others: “I understand your play is full of single entendre;” and to another, “I was underwhelmed.” He could be tough on women, telling one, “You’re a birdbrain, and I mean that as an insult to birds.” Seated in the audience during a performance of what he considered a very bad play, Kaufman leaned forward and politely asked the lady in front of him if she would mind putting on her hat.

             He had equal contempt for famous men – for instance, Raymond Massey, who, after his great success playing Abraham Lincoln on Broadway, began to assume the character off the stage, affecting Lincolnesque attire, manner, and speech – prompting Kaufman to observe, “Massey won’t be satisfied until someone assassinates him.”

  Or how about Charles Laughton, who was quoted as saying that he was successful in the role of Captain Bligh in Mutiny on the Bounty because he had come from a seafaring family. “I presume,” said Kaufman, alluding to Laughton’s portrayal of Quasimodo in The Hunchback of Notre Dame, “that you also came from a long line of hunchbacks.”

             And here’s one I like a lot: A bridge partner, sensing that Kaufman was not pleased with his conduct of the previous hand, asked defensively, “Well, George, how would you have played the hand?” Kaufman shot back, “Under an assumed name.”

             Two famed curmudgeoners – Ambrose Bierce and H.L. Mencken – often crafted their remarks in the form of definitions. For example, here are a few from Bierce:

             “Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.”

 “Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.”

 “Happiness, n, An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.”

And these next few are by Mencken:

 “Immortality: the morality of those who are having a better time.”

 “Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.”

 “A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

 “An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.”

  The Winokur notes that “the pantheon of curmudgeonry is predominantly male,” which may have been the case when the book was published (although my hunch is that it’s no longer accurate today). The one woman who earned top honors back then was Dorothy Parker, She was the only regular female member of the Algonquin Round Table, which during the 20’s and 30’s anchored the Golden Age of curmudgeonry at New York’s Algonquin Hotel.

  The regulars among the artists, celebrities, and intellectuals who frequented the round table included Franklin P. Adams, Marc Connelly, George S. Kaufman, Harold Ross, Heywood Broun, Ring Lardner, Robert E. Sherwood, Robert Benchley, and Dorothy Parker. Other habitues included Oscar Levant, the Marx Brothers, Tallulah Bankhead, Herman Manckiewicz, Herbert Bayard Swope, Edna Ferber, Noel Coward, Charles MacArthur, and S.N. Behrman. As a result, the Algonquin Round Table is the single greatest source for the quotations and anecdotes in Winokur’s book.

  Back to Dorothy, Parker, who, upon being told that President Calvin Coolidge had just died, remarked, “How could they tell?” Or how about the line in one of her book reviews: “This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.”

  Many of Dorothy Parker’s best quips were aimed at women. When a woman told her, “I really can’t come to your party, I can’t bear fools,” Parker answered, “That’s strange, your mother could.” In reviewing “The Autobiography of Margot Asquith,” she said: “The affair between Margot Asquith and Margot Asquith will live as one of the prettiest love stories in all history.”

             She often vented her contempt for pretension and self-importance on Clare Boothe Luce, and their encounters produced two famous Parkerisms: When told that Mrs. Luce was kind to her inferiors, Mrs. Parker asked, “Where does she find them?” On another occasion the two women arrived simultaneously at the door of a nightclub. “Age before beauty,” remarked Mrs. Luce. “And pearls before swine,” said Mrs. Parker as she glided through the doorway.

  And Dorothy could be a little sexy too, as in “If all these sweet young things were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be the slightest bit surprised.” When asked if she had attended the most recent performance of the Philharmonic or the latest museum exhibit, her standard reply was, “I’ve been too fucking busy and vice versa.”

             Here are some quotable observations by well-known individuals.

             MARK TWAIN:

                       “Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”

 – and –

 “It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you: the one to slander you, and the other to bring the news to you.”

GROUCHO MARX:

“She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.”

“Women should be obscene and not heard.”

WOODY ALLEN:

         “If my film makes one more person miserable, I’ve done my job.”

OSCAR LEVANT:

“I once said cynically of a politician, ‘He’ll double-cross that bridge when he comes to it.

 and

 “I knew her before she was a virgin.”

             Here, in no special order or type of sentiment being expressed, are some of my favorites.

                         Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year.

–      VICTOR BORGE

                        It is not enough to succeed; others must fail.

–      GORE VIDAL

Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.

–      SAMUEL JOHNSON

There is an old motto that runs, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” This is nonsense. It ought to read, “If at first you don’t succeed, quit, quit at once.”

–      STEPHEN LEACOCK

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult.

–      CHARLOTTE WHITTON

My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.

–      JEAN ROSTAND

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.

–      JOHN MORLEY

I have no need of your God-damned sympathy. I wish only to be entertained by some of your grosser reminiscences.

–      ALEXANDER WOOLLCOTT

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents’ shortcomings.

–      LAURENCE J. PETER

I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?

–      JEAN KERR

                        If you can’t say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.

–      ALICE ROOSEVELT LONGWORTH

There was no respect for youth when I was young, and now that I am old, there is no respect for age. I missed it coming and going.

–      J.B. PRIESTLEY

                        And the best of all, from CHARLES DICKENS:

                         “Bah, Humbug!”